Last night, I was mentally and spiritually attacked & it was awful.
If it wasn’t for my praying Mother, I truly do not how that would’ve ended.
I was cleaning up my house (in good spirits) when all of sudden these thoughts started coming out of nowhere.
One thought 💭 bombarding me after another; until I was on the floor crying in agony.
The kind of crying & wailing I can imagine one would give during child birth.
I could barely breath.
If you know me, you will know how rare that is, and how I try to maintain a level head and regulate my emotions always.
I simply don’t believe in drama or over reacting to anything.
I believe in Peace.
I always feel there’s a better or more peaceful way to go about doing things, saying things and even expressing emotions & that’s usually the path I search for.
But last night…
There was no peaceful path.
It was only tears, anger & darkness.
Hit after hit.
Thought after thought.
Until I broke down.
In my breaking down I realized that I don’t know what God is doing with my life.
And maybe that’s why I’m frustrated and sad.
I feel like I can’t really trace Him.
I feel as though He’s silent.
And whenever He does speak, it’s usually the same thing over and over again.
“I cannot lie.”
Honestly, I am so tired of hearing that, that I don’t know what to do.
On top of God’s repetitive word that is more annoying than comforting or encouraging; the enemy keeps trying to bring up the past.
Past failures, past hurt, past pain.
He keeps trying to make me believe that this is what my life will forever look like and forever be.
And he makes a very convincing case 💼 as he takes me down memory lane, walking me through all of my childhood memories & failures up until now.
After battling those thoughts time and time again, it truly gets hard to keep believing and encouraging yourself in The Lord.
Especially, when you’ve been encouraging yourself for a long time.
After while, all the encouragement begins to sound the same, feel the same, and it gets harder to praise your way out of things.
It gets harder to make sense out of foolishness.
It gets harder to see the light in darkness.
And it gets harder to see the hand of God in what feels like the devil.
Why God has allowed so many things to happen to me over the course of my life, I will never know.
All I know is…
Well…
No.
Actually,
I am realizing more and more everyday that I don’t know anything.
So, I won’t even say that.
All I can say is,
Father, help my unbelief.
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